Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
