I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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