I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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