My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
