the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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