he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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