giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
