ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
