Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
