You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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