i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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