dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do herpes really smell.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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