im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
