i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
