Heybabeimwearingurpanties
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
