If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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