So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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