Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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