I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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