Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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