I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
