You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
