omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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