TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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