Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
