Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
