when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
