Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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