I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
