jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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