she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
