If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
