Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
