apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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