i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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