Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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