Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
