It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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