We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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