I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
