i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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