when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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