last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
