this boner is exhausting
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
