i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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