I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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