I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
