Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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