I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
