So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You are the jesus of drinking
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
