I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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