dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
