I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
