I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
