I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
